I have been afraid of everything to come my way except that which will keep me in my cozy, little nest of mediocrity.
I have been looking around for a deep and profound reason for my fear. Been lookin' for so many years I'm mortified when I think of a number. Which is why I'm not going to divulge this number-even into my own head.
Self Help books? I got 'em. Channeled Entities? On a first name basis. DVD's? CD's? In a stack in the corner. I know the Secret. I'm a damn Peaceful Warrior. I chant. I meditate. I think postive (unless I'm not). I spend 7 seconds every hour happily visualizing a hammock under a palm tree on a beach in Hawai.
And what do I have to show for it?
I live in a beach town. It's not Hawaii. It's New Jersey!
I got a free car a few years ago. It was the exact make and model car I wanted. It wasn't red. It was silver.
My husband is not your common, garden variety neandrathal. He's Obsessive Compulsive. At least I have a tidy home. He wrote some awesome poetry when we were dating. Now his poetry consists of : The dog needs food; I need some too;if you don't go shopping;I don't know what we'll do.
Among other things.
So there I am. I could have thought bigger. But I didn't. Because I can't? No. Because I won't. It's too much trouble.
It's as if my car drives to the same place every day in the ruts made by the tires on many previous trips. It's really hard to drive to a different place using the same ruts.
And the answer? Avoid the ruts.
How? Go someplace else.
It's time to find a new place to go using a new un-rutted road. Scary? Yes. But the alternative is -staying here- while doing a peeping tom over there. And I must admit, I am notorious for peeping into people's windows and door as I innocently travel past. I know what I'm looking for...a way to torture myself about how everybody has a life except me.
So two things:
I'm kicking fear out the door. (hopefully, he won't stand on the other side waiting to sneak back in when I open the door again.
I'm not driving in those awful ruts to the same damn place I've been too many times.
So, goodbye fear. Here's your ring back. And if you don't stop stalking me I'm going to get a restraining order from the Courage Sheriff.